Why Do You Think My Wife is Always Smiling?

"Heh, heh."

A Duck in a Tree

Joe Biden: "A duck in a tree? I don't see any duck in a tree. Damn this is hard."

Barack Obama: "I am so fucking smart it makes my head hurt. I actually have to hold my fingers here or my brains will literally leak out onto the table. Why can't these goddamn Republicans just shut the fuck up and vote for my shit?"

I Pledge Allegiance

"I pledge allegiance to Elin.....and Rachel....and Holly....and Cori...and Jamie...and Jaimee...and Kalika....and umm, oh yeah and Loquisha and of course Nike. Accenture can kiss my ass."

Tiger: Yeah, Dawg!

Tiger Woods at his press conference this morning: "Oh, yeah. I did it. And I'd do it again. And you would too dawg."

UN Climate Chief Resigns

"The glaciers aren't melting? Fuck me..."

Dip Me you big Lug!

"Well, hello sweetie. Are you new here?"

Obama Channels Yoda

"Size matters not, young Jedi."

Who's Your Daddy?

"Yeah, baby, of course we'll get married. Just as soon as my divorce is final..."

Bernanke Flips Off Congress

Ben Bernanke shows Ron Paul what he thinks of his plan to audit the Fed.

You Da Man!

"You da man!" "No, you da man!" "No, you da man!"

Loser!

I'm a loser, baby.

You're Going to Put That Where?

"Yeah, I'll work with Obama. I'll work my hand so far up his ass, he'll beg to sign a tax cut."

One More Time Smartass

"One more time Dave. You fart one more time and I am outta here."

Call Me Baby..

President Obama signals the cute aide in the back row to call him later.

Bummin'

Man, I cannot believe the Colts lost. What a friggin' bummer.

Boy Talk

I'm telling you dude, check out that Pelosi chick! She is fucking stacked, man!

Ahmadinejad Attends Tehran Premier of 3D Avatar

"Go ahead and laugh motherfucker. I'll nuke your ass."

Denver Grabs Kobe's Nuggets

Denver guard Arron Afflalo tries a new defensive technique on Kobe Bryant called the Nugget defense.

Palin Pimps For Wasilla Optical

Oh, these? You like'em? I got these down to the Wasilla Optical. Just tell'em Sarah sent ya and you'll get 25% off!

Ultra Precise Quantum Logic Clock Puts Old Atomic Clock to Shame

The quantum-logic clock, which detects the energy state of a single aluminum ion, keeps time to within a second every 3.7 billion years. The new timekeeper could one day improve GPS or detect the slowing of time predicted by Einstein’s theory of general relativity.

Chen-wen Chou says the clock allows him to know within 1 nanosecond how long it's been since he got laid.

Lloyd Blankfein Explains How it Is to Congress

"Senator, if you pass the Volcker rule, I will personally come to your office and remove your balls with my bare hands."

Or

 "Actually sir, we just milk the American economy like a cow. We don't add any value whatsoever."

Geithner: We're Down to Our Last Dollar!

"That's it Senator. We're down to our last dollar. If you spend that one, we've made plans to set up a lemonade stand."